Of pain and destruction and tears and happiness.

One of my tutees is sitting for his Maths paper tmrw and I must say I’m realli excited for him! He’s improved a lot ever since I took him up in August. Which just goes to show that you can’t always be nice and kind when you teach, you gotta be stern and mean as well. Which I was as his exams drew nearer cos I realised that he doesn’t concentrate during tuition and do his homework if I don’t growl at him hahaha.

Anyway, I was reading Ruzanna’s blog and saw that she came up with a list of things she’d wanna achieve before she dies. Which is awesome, really. Everyone should have a bucket list man. We’re all so caught up in the pursuit of paper qualifications and material wealth that we’ve become so…empty inside. My mind is kind of in a mess right now but I’ll just try coming up with my own list right now.

Ok here goes:

1) Khatam the Quran as many times as possible

2) Take my Arabic ‘O’ Levels. About time, but I wonder if I’ll ever reach such a standard.

3) Start a business, preferably running a restaurant. I love food and food loves me so we should just form our own love story. Eh it rhymes yo!

4) Become a certified NLP practitioner. I’m not sure if it’ll actually benefit me in the long-run, but it’ll be cool to be able to cure people of their phobias though. And it can be turned into a full-time career so that’s awesome. But not a priority though.

5) Learn the piano, learn the guitar. Wish I could learn how to play the alto/tenor saxophone too but aye…I shall not be too ambitious.

6) Take my parents on a rockin’ holiday trip. Well, just like every holiday trip, just that I’d like to foot the expenses this time round. Hopefully they’ll still be around by the time I’m able to do so….

7) Backpack with my buddies (read: anyone i’m close to with time and dough on hand, and interest too!) right after I graduate! To anywhere! I’d like to go to the Middle East and North Africa though…ok just any place where I can practise my arabic. And since food and other expenses are relatively cheap in the middle east…it’ll be practical!

Ok so the above 7 stuff are those that I can remember. There are lotsa stuff that I wanna learn and experience before I die but then the list will be never ending ya…

You know, I realised that as you become older, the need to have heart-to-heart talks lessens. I love hthts (and hate using acronyms but still do) but I realised that nowadays, I’ll just keep whatever issues I have to myself, and solve them on my own. Maybe it’s got to do with the lack of time to even sit down and talk to somebody, cos everything is just so hectic. But yeah, I realised that pouring my heart out to friends and having them pour theirs out to me is a thing of the past. Wow, we’re all grown up now. Scary. Anyway, I feel like this whole year has passed so fast. Well so did last year, so what’s new. Haha. Gosh, the semester is coming to an end, the year is coming to an end..and so is the world…..

Sorry for this sombre post. I feel like I’m no more the child I once was. And I’m definitely not. Boy does uni force you to grow up. I mean, you can’t be analysing class and racial inequalities and writing depressing essays about how this and that shldn’t be this and that way and still be all happy-go-lucky. Something’s got to give. And in this case, I guess it’s my penchant for doing stupid, crazy impulsive stuff. But It’s a good thing of course. I’ve gotten into trouble for doing such things too many times before. Hahaha. Gosh, I can’t believe that in 3-4 years’ time, I’d be graduating, and looking for a job, to support myself. And my parents of course.

Oh and sometimes, I wonder when my happiness will all be taken away. I mean, I get depressed and all from time to time, but ultimately I think I truly am a happy person. I’ve always wondered why. Why do I smile so much, why do I laugh so much. Sometimes I think I’m weird cos I get easily tickled at the slightest of actions or comments which others don’t even get amused by. But yes, I know this happiness won’t last for long cos it’ll have to be taken away from me someday. Because God is fair and you can’t have your cake and eat it. Period.

Eh I hate it when people adopt holier-than-thou approaches when they talk to you. Please lah, one’s worth is not measured solely by educational standards or level of religiosity or what lah okay. There’s always more to it. Sometimes, you should just live and let live. This is directed at all the people out there who try and rub it in other people’s faces, in some way or another, that they are in any way superior. The world could do without these people who seem to know it all and try to force things upon you, but don’t necessarily wish for the best for you. It’s different if they do..and I appreciate those kinda people.

On another note, I really miss hanging out with friends. Like really hanging out and burning the day away with nonsensical jokes and food and maybe sheesha or what not. Omg…I keep reminiscing…abt the good old days. The days now are good too, but…too many deadlines! Content-wise, it’s interesting, but rawrrr time is so precious, can’t afford to waste it having fun. Ok maybe next weekend when I feel like I’ve earned it. Ok so this weekend I gotta chiong!

Oh yah! I’m currently doing an essay on the 2 most major events in my life that have had a social impact on me; the “purpose of which is to create an awareness of the social dimension of my individuality”. I think it’s quite an interesting assignment, just that….I don’t know what makes me, ME! Something rad, that makes me go….*yawns*…Lol.

Today marks the end of the tenth week since school started. I’m already experiencing a burnout. Sleeping for 2-5 hours for the past 3 days. This cannot go on. I have to manage my time more wisely. But sleeping in the train sure is the best activity to indulge in, ever. Hahaha. Ok, i have about 7 more weeks to go, if my memory hasn’t failed me. Last paper is on 1 Dec. Am I supposed to be feeling stressed? Maybe I’m numb to it, cos I’m not. Ok wait, I take that back. I’m not allowing myself to think of the deadlines that are imminent, that’s why. And damn, I was so happy when I actually got thru’ the day fine and dandy after having slept for only 2 hours. But now its effects are starting to take a toll on me, namely, my eyebags. Hahaha. Hais…exhaustion…sheer exhaustion…that’s what I’m feeling right now…Ok, gonna start on another essay. Submitted the 2200-word one on Thursday. And I just realised that apart from having written its content pretty poorly, I also screwed up in my citations. But I hope my tutor will be lenient when she marks it, considering it’s our first essay. Oh I actually went to Ion Orchard for the first time yesterday during my 5 and a half hour break. It’s awesome.

I had this sudden urge to blog while studying so I’m gonna make this real quick. I just realised that I’d, for the rest of my life, be indebted to my parents. From young, they’ve been the ones who’ve had my back all the time, the ones I could count on if all else failed, the ones I could count on to bail me out when I screwed up, the ones who’ve provided for me a decent place to live in, stuff for school, values and morals that I will Inshaallah carry in my heart from cradle to grave, and the ones who’ve been so kind to me all my life. I’m such a rebellious child. That hasn’t changed till today. Until today, there are still so many things I wanna do, and have been doing that my parents would just disapprove of if they knew. I won’t forget the words of my dad when he dropped me off at school last year, on the first day of A Levels last year: “Whatever happens Raihan, you will always be my daughter.” My goodness, when I heard that…I felt compelled, obliged rather, to tear that paper tiger down and just do my parents proud once and for all. Now that I’m in university, those words still ring clear in my head. And it just makes me even more grateful for everything that they’ve done for me till this very day. I show all the love and care to my friends, but when it comes to my parents, you can bet on it that I’ll appear hard and cold. Well, I was just very shy in displaying my love and affection to them when I was younger; but I guess I’m starting to open up to them now. Especially since they’ve asked for me to treat them like friends now rather than parents. Oh and one more thing. I sorta gave my word that I’ll stay off boys for this semester, till after I settle down in uni. Drats. Hahaha. Oh well, small sacrifice for something that’ll reap greater returns in the long-run. I think I’m still as impulsive now, but I’m definitely more disciplined now. I mean, you have to be, with the amount of work that’s being thrown in your direction. It’s crazy. Everything is moving so fast. But I guess I’m enjoying my university days. Ok, gotta get back to my readings. Ciao romano. (:

How is it possible for bones to ache? Do they even ache or am I just feeling aching muscles? Haha! Anyway, my work and trade presentation on Thurs went better than expected! The tutor said out of the few grps which she had graded on the same topic, our discussion was the most captivating and interesting! To think I came up with the 2 discussion questions in like 2mins. Well, she didn’t say our presentation per se was gd, since she mentioned abt the discusison only, but hey, that’s encouraging enough for me to keep at it…one presentation down, another one to go..and I can’t remember wat else and when cos I’m so disorganised. But I just bought an organiser so that is settled. Did I mention that I’m taking Chinese as an elective now? Haha…I gotta learn how to write the characters and pronounce them…sounds like crazy shit, but I’m getting used to having dictation and all every week. And besides, it’s easier to pick up than arabic for one simple reason: the abundance of people to practise with. Haha! Oh, but one thing I’m worried abt is the 150-word essay that I have to write for my exams at the end of this sem. Tmrw is the start of week 5, I just had a good nap. I’m off to organise my life now I guess!

Till next time,

XOXO.

Hi guys. I am so sad. I try my best to spend as much time as I can with my parents. And yet when I falter, I get the blame. My mum was shouting at me yesterday for not enquiring abt how she is lately cos according to her, I am more interested in giving tuition and “chasing the money”. For the love of God, here I am trying to make good of our financial situation by earning for myself so that I don’t have to ask for an allowance from my poor dad who’s working so hard even though he’s supposed to be retired by now, aside from maintaining a steady GPA, and there I get blamed for: “chasing the money”. And she’s asking me to drop both my tuition kids, which of course I’ll never do, cos, hey, I’m “chasing the money” right.

And in tutorial class, when it’s time to open my mouth, nothing comes out. When something finally comes out of my gap, my voice is shaking with nervousness and fear of its irrelevance or what not. Each time I step into tutorial class, my heart starts beating so fast, just like how it did before I stepped into the hall for each and every A-Level paper.

I finally filed all my readings and notes. Haha! Now that I feel more organised, I can finally start on my essays and presentation preparations. Half the weekend is almost over, and I’ve only accomplished that. Haha. I’m doing a ‘Work and Trade’ presentation in two weeks time. Hope that one goes well. I’m really banking on all these marks I get for tutorial participation (10%) and group presentations (10%) cos who noes how the exam qns are gonna be like right.. Lol. Such low weightings huh. Final exam is 50%. And assignments constitute 30%. If I ever fall sick and have to miss out on giving a presentation, I have to write a 2500-3000 word essay as a basis for my tutor to give me marks. Crazy. So yeah, for the next four years, I hope I don’t fall sick on presentation days. Which is kinda difficult, considering I get freak flus every month! Haha! Oh well. Writing is therapy for the soul. My new quote.

Exams start on 19 Nov for me and end on 1 December. The papers each last for a maximum of abt 2.5 hours. But it’s the usual ‘write 3-4 essays during prescribed time’ kinda format I guess…and after the 1st of December, I guess it’s the start of a 5 week break or something? Wow..it’s all gonna pass me by so fast. Just like how it’s Ramadhan already. Amazing how time flies. Quite scary, actually.

I think one of the signs of Judgement Day would be that distances would be made shorter. Yeah we can interpret it as referring to modern modes of transport such as planes and cars and stuff. So that means, the harmless (maybe not so harmless after all) car is a sign of impending doomsday. And yet we’re all so fixated on cars. Myself included. Standing at a pedestrian crossing while waiting for the green man to come on, I always catch myself trailing with my eyes, very carefully, every single car that zooms past me. Just like how guys check girls out, I do cars. But cars in Sg are so expensive. With a general degree like sociology in hand, we’ll see how far I’ll go lol… But anyway, hey, they aren’t like satanic or something. They’re just..signs right.  And skyscrapers. Is it KL’s twin towers or something? Or Dubai’s Burj? Well..whichever it is…it’s still a Muslim country that’s helping to accelerate the coming into existence of such signs of doomsday. The irony of it all. Haha!

I’m exhausted. I’ve got tons of readings to clear. I need to get a bit more organised..or risk getting lost amidst the rising tide of information that I think I’m already drowning in. I need a crash course in History. Damn, wish I paid more attention during Mrs Vasu’s classes, instead of watching Sandeep fight for his life outside 2C. I’ll do that crash course on my own. I’ll do it. And I am so gonna score for S’pore Society in Transition. I will, I know I will.

Ok, enough of psyching myself up. Anyway, the second week of school’s been way more thrilling than the first week. Thanks to tutorials. I finally got to noe my classmates… and of course my coursemates better..My biggest worry was not finding anyone to click with. But thank god the people in my course do not fit into the average NTU stereotype…that is, the cheena/PRC type. Thank God. Millions. Seriously.

It’s just been two days and I’m already getting annoyed with someone though. But oh well…just gotta keep a…well, pokerface on lol…and hope the person goes away. I do cherish my alone/me time. And it gets annoying when you can’t think in peace without having someone follow you all over…wherever you go. Someone who tracks everything you say and tries to argue against it. -Sheesh girl, this is not the TPJC debate team. Go back to India.- And then figures out your irritation and then says something good about you to you, to appease you. LOL. I can’t believe I’m wasting my energy and time blogging abt this. Hahaha.

Another long day tmrw. I will truly appreciate my weekends henceforth. And uni life, I realised in the first week, is a killer w/o frens. Thank god I made some new frens. Now the corridors and lecture halls feel friendlier and less intimidating. And it’s really cool to know that everyone you meet shares the same interests as you, thinks along the same lines as you etc. And having four years to major in something you like is just sucha luxury. I hope I utilise it fully.

And with that, I shall hit the sack.

Looks like my habit of procrastinating has seeped into my blogging tendencies! Haha! Anyway, first week of school was BORING. All lectures. No tutorials. Also, I’m kinda disappointed that I didn’t get my Media in America and Intro to Public Policy. Oh well, I’ll try again next sem. I’m taking Chinese Level One, courtesy of IRFANANAZMIN! If not for her, I’d still be camping at the computer waiting for vancancies. So today’s the start of week 2, the start of tutorials. I’m having chinese class at 3.30 later. Can’t wait! I guess I realised that learning Chinese aint so bad cos…it’s kind of a shame to be living in a predominantly Chinese society and not being able to speak Mandarin (I dunno wat’s the diff between Mandarin and Chinese even lol). It’s like living in Morocco and not being able to speak French. Tho the national language is Arabic. Here our equivalent of french is mandarin and arabic is malay so yeah u get my point rite. Anyway, I realised that I’ve turned into a very boring person. I barely made any effort to make any frens the first week. I barely smiled at anyone, save for those whom I knew from JC/Pri School/the interview session. So yeah, I made a grand total of 2 new frens. But not bad la eh, considering nobody makes frens if they dun go for orientation. Haha! Sorry to be babbling my face off, I’m just in a babbling mood. I’m also kinda annoyed that I didn’t find out earlier, that Macbook Pro’s iSight is not compatible w MSN Messenger. It’s compatible with Skype though. Yeah just a minor annoyance, a result of a fierce ongoing rivalry between Windows and Mac. Haha.