Of pain and destruction and tears and happiness.

4.20. I can’t believe it. Alhamdulillah, really. God really works in mysterious ways. I could have sworn I was gonna get below 3.00. Ok I am really motivated to work hard for Sem 2 now….wanna see my exam papers as well….

I kinda feel upset that Sylvia lost though I wasn’t necessarily rooting for her from the start, just towards the end when it was down to her and Sezairi. And I find it annoying how some ppl can say Sezairi’s clinching of the SI title makes them “proud to be Malay Muslim”. Like whaaaaaatttt. I get the whole brotherhood thing lah, but it’s not as if he won some Mensa competition. If he did, then I would say he makes me proud to be Malay/Muslim. But a singing competition? Which is highly biased since Sezairi is male AND Malay. And we all know it’s the young, Malay female teeny boppers who do most of the voting right. Oh well, the only time we got it right was when Taufik won. I didn’t really object when Hady won cos he was against Jonathan who was quite Blah, but..for Sylvia to lose?? Dayum! I’d have loved her to represent us at Asian Idol! So what if she’s Filipino. She’s Singaporean right? ‘Others’ what. Ahahaha.

Caught Sherlock Holmes today. Loved it. Haha. Anyway, results will be out soon and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I’m gonna score crappily as I’ve, frankly, not been at the top of my game throughout the semester. So to prevent a repeat of what I predict to be sucky results, I shall attempt to come up with a list of ten things I need to do in order improve. Here goes:

1) Stop procrastinating

2) Finish designated readings weekly

3) Don’t leave tutorials to the last minute

4) Don’t pull all-nighters with essay assignments, even if they’re not last minute ones. Sleep is health which is wealth. ‘Nuff said.

5) Finish readings before reaching home. Cos I’m always too exhausted to do anything once I reach home.

6) Read less economic articles and more Sociology-related ones. About time I face up to the fact that I’m not gonna be an Economist. Late realisation. I know. It hurts okay. Wow check it out, I actually spelt Economist with a capital ‘E’. Hurhur.

7) Be more open to trying new things. As much as I’d hate to take up a CCA, I think I should..(sorry this will not in any way help me improve academically…or will it? Since I’m always feeling so lethargic….)

Stop procrastinating

9) Do not overindulge in sleep (Exactly what I’ve been doing this hols)

10) Basically step up my game, once and for all. Cos at this juncture, I’m feeling horrid. Horrible results=Sense of worthlessness= Feel Horrid. Argh.

I have a disorder. I’ve been thinking lately about my increasing lack of ability to sit down to do something for long. I picked up a book to read a few days ago, and until today I’m not done with it! I’d keep getting distracted by other stuff, be it the computer, the newspapers, food etc. I THINK I HAVE ADHD. I know it’s something kids have but I think it’s possible for it to be carried into adulthood right?? Damn..I better go get this checked out…hahaha!

I was just lying in bed, book in hand, thoughts and attention directed elsewhere. And I started thinking abt fatmah. I realised we’ve come such a long way. 12 years of friendship and counting. I can’t believe she’s getting married. For real. Her nikah is in Jan! And it got me thinking abt our friendship…we’ve really come a long way. Best friends in primary school, lost contact for four years, and then reunited in tpjc again. Wow. I was the happiest person ever to be reunited with her again. On the exterior, she had changed tremendously. But on the interior, she was still the same ol’ fatmah I knew and loved back in Primary 1. Or was it Primary 2, when we became classmates. Gosh, to think I even wrote an essay on her once for one of Mr Sandhu’s recounts. That’s how much she meant, and still means to me. But unfortunately that essay was in my english file, which I’ve since thrown away. I’m glad I got to bring it to school though, during first 3 months, to let fatty read it. But anyway, the purpose of my writing abt her here is just for me to keep in record how much she means to me, and how much of an inspiration she’s been to me ever since we were kids. I used to go to her house ever so often, and she’d never let me leave without a pile of VCDs and storybooks in hand. Her mum would actually drive us to Siglap Centre after school so we could head over to VideoEzy and some book rental store, forgot its name. But boy…those were the days man. She was the one who instilled in me the love for reading. I can’t say it has lasted till now, hehe, but I owe it to her for serving as the impetus for that, among other things. She doesn’t know it, or maybe she does, since she did read that essay of mine, but she sure has made a huge difference in my life. And I’ve thus decided that I’d like to name my first daughter after her. I want my daughter to follow in her footsteps. Fatmah is as real as any girl can ever get; she’s the epitome of beauty, intelligence, tact and piety, and maybe even unglamness all rolled into one. I’ve never met anyone as sincere, gentle and polite as her. And I’m ever so grateful that we had crossed paths so early on in life. She’s definitely played a key role in shaping my worldview. She’s an inspiration to me, and I’m sure to many other people as well. I love her man. I hope she doesn’t forget me once she gets married hehe.

My family. Really. I love them the most. They don’t know. But I do, and I pray everyday that they’ll be safe from danger and misfortune, especially my parents. They mean the world to me.

I’ve taken stock of the people who characterise my life. And I know who I’d die for.

I used to have so many dreams. But lately, all I think about is bad, morbid stuff. All I think about is whether I can survive…………..

It really gets to me if a friend is sad, or having issues. And there’s only so much I can do, cos I’m only human.

I had so many things planned out to do after my exams. But now, they don’t excite me anymore. That’s why I’m not even engaging in them. Shucks. I think I’ve found out what’s changed. It’s that I’ve become a boring old hag, devoid of emotion. Lazy to socialise, lazy to communicate with the outside world. Some things just don’t excite me anymore. This sucks.

I wonder whether some people know how much they mean to me. So much so that I’ll go to the lengths and breadths of the universe to make them happy. Ok not really, but you get my drift. And then there are those who are inconsequential to me. But nevermind them.

People, in general, always make me happy. Lately, however, I haven’t been feeling like the cheery, bubbly person I usually am. Things have changed. Or rather, something has changed. I can’t seem to put my finger on it but I know….I’m no longer the person I used to be. And I hate it so much. I  hate that I don’t bother making friends anymore. I hate that I always keep only to myself and at most, my close friends at school. I hate that I don’t voice out how my opinions as much as I used to before. I hate, quite simply, who I have turned out to be. Is this what growing up is like?